Thinking about...Reflection by RM.
I would today like to talk about the multiple ways in which ‘Reflection’ breaks my heart and what it means to me. I seriously cannot listen to it without feeling completely broken inside and wanting to cry because I hate that Namjoon has felt like this and I also hate that I know exactly the feeling he tries to portray here. I think the way this song is constructed is incredibly beautiful. Namjoon begins with the words “I know every life’s a movie…” and the entire song is constructed exactly like a movie scene.
The song begins with background noise that sets the scene: a bar, noise, talking, and as the music begins to fade in, it’s as though a camera zooms in on Namjoon, who then begins a sort of monologue. “I know every life’s a movie, we got different stars and stories…” Although he wants to continue “shooting the movie (of his life) well,” he can’t help but hate himself. It’s a beautiful way to describe attempts to ‘romanticise’ your loneliness. That’s something common people say these days – to ‘romanticise’ and fall in love with your alone time, pretending you’re a ‘main character’ in a movie or a story. However, doing this also overlooks the feelings of self-hatred that come with loneliness and make it hard to continue pretending your life is a movie. He goes on to talk about why he comes to this bar in Dduksum when he hates himself. It reminded me of going out and surrounding myself with people when I felt lonely, which hardly helped and often made me feel worse and even more like I didn’t fit in. However, doing this is something of a guilty pleasure – “when I hate myself I come to Dduksum…fear, which holds my hand/it’s alright if everyone is in 2s and 3s/it’s good that I have a friend too.“ Although he hates himself, although coming to a noisy bar reminds him of the very self-hatred and loneliness consuming him, he still returns each time he feels this way. He almost romanticises fear holding his hand as his only friend – as he tries to maintain this movie-like, romantic aura around his loneliness, he ends up creating an eerily sad image.
After he says this, the instrumental break is cinematic and adds further to conjuring a scene that seems to zoom out from Namjoon – the music is emotional and sad, creating the feeling of gazing on as the world passes by around you. We observe the whole scene of the bar while also focusing on Namjoon who is alone in a crowd, and how his fear, loneliness and pain are mixed in with the scene. In the following verses, he progressively breaks down and overthinks about his loneliness, getting further into his head. Where the first verse was like a slow description of his feelings, the second verse gets more desperate as the tone of his voice and his rap flow get louder and faster: "the world is just another name for despair/my height is a diameter of the earth/I’m all my joy and hate.” He desperately describes how he feels too big for his body, too distant and out of place, an outsider and alone even when he surrounds himself with people. He captures loneliness accurately with heart-wrenching lyrics: “Everyone else knows where they’re supposed to be/But only I walk without purpose” “I want to be free/I want to be free from freedom.” Loneliness, being on your own, is often considered as you being ‘free’ to do what you want without being bound to anyone, but it can also be disorienting and feel like you’re suspended in time without an idea of where you want to go. The record scratch before the instrumental break is jarring here – it’s as though he is suddenly jerked out of his thought spiral and returns to a reflective state of watching the world pass by him in his loneliness.
The last verse, which contains only one line, is the most desperate of all: “I wish I could love myself.” He repeats this over and over – a solution he knows would end these feelings, but one he simply doesn’t know how to reach. He seems to rap this melodically, blurring the lines between whether he’s singing or rapping – creating further this dichotomy between romanticising and loving loneliness and screaming the pain that it brings. Then the music fades out as a camera would in a movie, zooming out of this sad, upset character to the general scene before it turns black and ends the song.
I’ve cried to this song playing on repeat, and it now brings that memory to mind. I interpret the song in this way because my emotions while listening to it progressed in much the same way. It reminds me of a day when I was slapped in the face by the realization that I. Didn’t. Have. Friends. To add insult to injury, I decided to listen to Reflection on repeat that day. I sat there sobbing my eyes out every time Namjoon said “I wish I could love myself,” because God, I wished I could love myself, but how, when I felt like no one would ever love me? The instrumental break too, I sat sobbing as the ambient music of life passing by me played behind me. It was such a painful and heartrending experience that I don’t think I’ll ever forget how understood I felt by the song. There are some days where I cannot bring myself to listen to it because it brings this feeling back to me. It’s truly amazing how he captures one feeling in so many different ways and yet makes it so relatable for everyone. Thus, this song reflects my own feelings of loneliness, of being alone when surrounded by so-called friends, of watching the world pass happily by around you while you stay stuck in your head wishing that for once in your life that you could just be part of that world, but you can’t.
Reflection. You reflect and think a bit too much as the world passes by you. Reflection. You watch the world as though it is reflected in a mirror – it seems like you know it and recognise it like it’s facing you, but you still can’t touch it: it’s far away, distant, alien. This song breaks me so much that I often struggle to listen to it without feeling hurt and sad, but it is so beautiful, just like everything else Namjoon writes.
-a slightly old piece of writing, but this song means a lot to me. i hope you enjoy my take on it :)
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