Thinking about…Found Heaven by Conan Gray: Vintage Sounds on Everlasting Themes

As a long-time fan of Conan Gray, I was super excited when he announced ‘Found Heaven’ and knew I needed to write my thoughts on it, so here they are! 

The most striking thing about this album was the sound and vibe of the tracks. All the songs have a very retro, eighties feel to them, even those that are more emotional, thus taking a complete turn from ‘Superache’s’ heartbreaking ballads. I love how Conan decided to use upbeat, dance-like tunes even when expressing deeply emotional and life-changing themes, showing his experience trying to process new experiences and feelings in his life. I especially love that he tapped into this sound because personally, some of my favourite songs of his are his most upbeat numbers like ‘Maniac’ and ‘Overdrive.’ This album, thus, was everything I love about his music, magnified! 

I also love how this album shows his development as an artist and a person. In the transition from ‘Sunset Season’ to ‘Found Heaven,’ I think he brings together everything he focused on in his previous three albums into this one. He introduced himself with ‘Sunset Season’ and ‘Kid Krow,’ giving us an insight into his personality and his experiences with friendship, small-town life and romance. With ‘Superache,’ we saw something heart-wrenchingly different as he delved deep into his experiences with romantic love – more specifically, heartbreak – as he created a rendition of songs so tear-jerking it’s almost painful to listen through multiple times. ‘Found Heaven,’ though, is different in so many ways – Conan seems to grow into himself and speak of his own experiences with a sense of confidence in these songs. He shows his thoughts on his experience with his first love and heartbreak – delving deep into the confusion that can come with trying to reconcile those feelings. With this album, I was really amazed and happy to see him grow even more as a person! 

I want to start by talking about the opening and title track, ‘Found Heaven.’ It’s a bold choice to open the album with a track that has such a hard-hitting and potentially controversial message – in doing so, Conan leaves an unforgettable impression. ‘Found Heaven’ opens with a choir that is reminiscent of a religious, church setting, yet jarringly, the choir sings “No God above us/Can we repent this sin?” In a diabolical dichotomy, Conan seems to openly denounce God’s existence while sounding religious – all on a track about ‘finding heaven.’ 

In talking about this song, Conan suggested that ‘Found Heaven’ has a double meaning. On the one hand, he says finding love (whether for oneself or someone else), is like to finding heaven. Specifically, finding love as a queer person and rejecting the often-oppressive religious rules that suggest queerness is sacrilegious, is like finding heaven. The choir continues, “No soul is innocent/Everybody wants to love” – queer people want a love that’s considered ‘sinful’ by some religious standards, so maybe they’re ‘sinners’ for simply wanting love. In the chorus, Conan sings, 

“Don’t be scared, little child

You’re no demon

There’s a God in the sky

Don’t believe him

Don’t be scared, little child of that feeling

You’re in love

You’ve found heaven” 

He explicitly rejects the religious confines on love, suggesting it’s not sinful or demonic to love beyond societal conforms – love, in whatever way it comes, is just like finding heaven. 

Conan then said that he used “Found Heaven” as a euphemism for death – since when you die, you’re expected to have ‘found heaven.’ As he rejects God and religion in embracing his queerness, he considers whether he has experienced some sort of death in doing so. In being queer, in loving beyond societal norms, a lot of expectations that you have of your life die – maybe even a past version of you dies. He expresses this as he sings, “you’ll never get your momma’s wedding ring/father always said you ruin everything.” He describes further this experience of death of past versions of you, of leaving yourself behind for a new life – “your heart is breaking as you leave that door/you never meant to start this holy war.” He expresses how his queer identity has caused his family to reject him, forcing him to leave them and that comfort behind. He aptly calls it a “holy war” – he tries to express his identity to his family, but possibly they use religion against him and suggest he betrays it by being who he is. As religion is the reason for his rift with his family over his queerness, it is a “holy,” or religiously motivated, “war” against the people he loves. 

Funnily enough, though, even as ‘found heaven’ describes a sort of ‘death’ in rejecting religion for being queer, Conan is still finding ‘heaven.’ Even though a common homophobic argument is that queer people go to hell for being who they are, Conan believes that accepting your queerness means that you can find heaven through love. The backing vocals on the chorus sing, “don’t believe him, gods do love you now.” Conan says not to believe the “God in the sky,” but at the same time that “gods do love you now.” He thus suggests that there is a way to reconcile religion and queerness – the God placed on a pedestal by humans (“in the sky”) who tells you what to do, and what not to do, is not the one to believe. Surely, there is some other God out there who does love you as you are, and that’s the one to believe in. He urges, “don’t be scared, little child/Of that feeling/You’re in love/You’ve found heaven.” Many queer people try to reject their identity when they’re questioning, fearing the love they feel, believing that it’s unorthodox or wrong. However, Conan suggests embracing their feelings of love – they are heavenly, beautiful, and worth loving.

Thus, even though we queers may have rejected an oppressive interpretation of religion and ‘died’ in doing so, we’ve still found our own heaven in an unorthodox love that’s rejected by the world. We’re our own kind of gods, with our own kind of religion in being queer. Loving our queer selves is what truly brings us to heaven – and we enter the feeling of love for the first time with Conan through this track. 

‘Found Heaven,’ and many other songs on this album, have a distinct retro, eighties feel to them that really stands out. Songs like ‘Never Ending Song’ and ‘Lonely Dancers’ are some of the most upbeat and fun numbers on this album. ‘Never Ending Song,’ particularly, is incredibly catchy, mimicking how an ex-lover continues to play on his mind like this “never ending song.” I like the way it makes you dance through the pain and heartbreak, as though trying to put on a happy façade but still being lost in the memory of someone dear to you. Funnily enough, I once listened to ‘Never Ending Song’ on repeat – it’s masterfully crafted to actually sound never ending, where the ending fades smoothly into the opening drum beats and the song loops into itself. 

The eighties feel especially comes through on ‘Eye of the Night,’ which references ‘Eye of the Tiger.’ Indeed, the song with its bouncy beat sounds a lot like being on the run from a hunt. It mirrors the haunting paranoia that Conan feels in the aftermath of his relationship. He still feels his lost lover’s presence and reminisces the memories constantly, as he sings “I grab the keys I scramble to the door/And I, I hear your heartbeat bleeding through the floor/The memories that I cannot ignore/Fight for my life inside a silent war.” Conan’s voice and the melodies were reminiscent of Michael Jackson for me! I love how he showcases his range with this song and many others. His lower vocal tones are unique – he doesn’t commonly sing like this, but his diction and this sound add a lot to the jauntiness of these songs. With ‘Eye of the Night’ specifically, he showcases the lowest end of his range on the words “eye of the night” and then masters a high-pitched key change on the final chorus. Thus, in playing with these retro sounds and his voice, he really taps into switching up his sound and giving us something new and fresh with this album.

‘Bourgeoisieses’ (comedic amongst fans for its confusing spelling – Burgerdiseases? Boygenius?) is one song that really stands out on the album in critiquing the rich while tapping into this upbeat, retro sound. This is not the first time Conan has critiqued the upper class in his music. ‘Affluenza,’ from his album ‘Kid Krow,’ delved into how the rich are often miserable and lonely. Yet, somehow they are still addicted to the affluence and wealth that causes this crippling isolation, afflicted with ‘affluenza.’ With ‘Bourgeoisieses,’ Conan alters his critique a bit, where he seems to now dream of experiencing the bourgeoisie lifestyle – “I’m a low-class guy, that sounds pretty nice,” “I want to be with the bourgeoisieses/I want to see how the bourgeoisieses party all night.” Conan taps completely into this vintage, old-timey theme with this song, which seems to describe the ‘Roaring Twenties’ era of the USA – “the men at war, they draft the poor/No time to mourn/I’m on the dance floor.” Conan craves the material excess – he is distanced from the struggles of the common people and sees only the privileged, petty desires of the bourgeoisie – “Mom and dad got my back/But I don’t need that, I need a Maserati.” He emphasises the disparity between the “low-class guy” and the “bourgeoisieses” with such over-the-top and romanticised descriptions of the rich “partying all night.” He shows how alienated the bourgeois lifestyle is from the general masses, but also how it’s something aspirational for the lower class, who see “cheating on wives, never paying the price” as a dream. At the same time, in the second verse, he describes the bourgeoisie’s perspective: where the lower class want to “party” like the bourgeoisie, the bourgeoisie is apathetic towards the lower class and only further desires the material opulence and excess they are used to. This song is clearly a parody – with its glaringly incorrect pluralisation of ‘bourgeoisieses,’ and wanting to see “how the bourgeoisieses la-la-di-da,” Conan shows how he thinks the bourgeoisie lifestyle is excessive, flamboyant and, much like this song, a bit silly. With a bouncy beat, Conan critiques income disparities and class inequality while still getting us to dance around as we poke fun at the rich! 

‘Boys and Girls’ similarly over-dramatises and pokes fun at a rather painful experience – in this case, being in love with someone who literally everyone wants. I love how he makes these emotions super dramatic and overexaggerated with lyrics like “fathers and daughters all their pants are dropping,” and “you got a face that’s technologic.” Coupled with jaunty music that makes you dance, his dramatised pronunciation of “boys and girls” on the chorus and sudden jumps into falsetto, he transforms the nerve-wracking and painful feeling of loving someone who’s everyone’s crush into a silly and enjoyable dance track. 

Conan uses this upbeat tone throughout the album, even as he describes more painful and emotional themes, specifically, reconciling his experience with first love and heartbreak. I want to first talk about my favourite track, ‘Fainted Love!’ I feel that this song spins off ‘Overdrive.’ With ‘Overdrive,’ Conan describes falling too fast for someone but enjoying the rush, much like racing down a highway. Similarly, he opens ‘Fainted Love’ with “stoplights, a familiar drive.” Where in ‘Overdrive,’ Conan says, “I don’t wanna see no red lights,” ‘Fainted Love’ features the lover calling Conan to join them in the “stop lights” and “ghost town” for company, suggesting that Conan is the one keeping this love alive, and driving the relationship forward. In ‘Overdrive,’ Conan sings, “don’t give a fuck about labels.” He just wants to see where the relationship will go and is not concerned with anything but his love for this person. However, ‘Fainted Love’ clearly labels that their relationship barely exists – “you got it, we’re nothing.” However, Conan still wants this relationship even though it’s “nothing.” For him, even being “nothing” is “enough to survive/don’t you worry I want your fainted love/That’s enough.” The emphasis is that the love is “fainted,” not ‘dead,’ leaving Conan with the hope that it will wake up, and that’s why it’s enough for him to “survive.” I love the bright synths and how they add both life and rhythm to this song. During the chorus, the synths jump in at “fainted love,” as though the love comes to life briefly before fainting once again, aligning with this theme of a love that’s half-dead and one-sided. Thus, even this emotional and painful song feeling feels so joyous to listen to!

Conan uses a similar tone in ‘The Final Fight’ – his beautiful vocals really shine through as he tackles the feeling of wishing he could’ve had the last laugh, could’ve made the relationship work, but his companion let things die and never gave him that chance. Meanwhile, he conveys a similar desperate nostalgia and yearning in ‘Miss You,’ using his deep tone of voice that fits with the vintage sound of this album. Where he sings higher notes on this track, he belts them and throws his voice out in the open. He really delves into regretting a lost love, focusing specifically on his tendencies to run from love – “I’ll be gone because you love me.” He tries to reconcile the fact that “the fear of love” that is his “tendency” may have caused him to lose his relationship, with the fact that somehow, he still misses the relationship that he ran away from. With these two songs, he explores the feelings of yearning for someone after a relationship has ended. Instead of focusing only on unrequited love or painful disagreements, he focuses both on his nostalgia for the love he felt and on his sadness at having lost it, even feeling that he may have been the reason for it disappearing.

Conan brings these feelings together on one of the only two slower-paced ballads on the album, ‘Forever With Me.’ Despite it being a ballad, he maintains a bright sound and a punchy beat with the electric piano and drums while featuring a beautiful and emotional tone of voice as he reminisces about a past love. The piano melody here reminded me of Bryan Adams’ ‘Everything I Do (I Do It For You),’ though ‘Forever With Me’ is distinctly louder and brighter in sound. This track seems to spin off ‘Memories’ from ‘Superache.’ With ‘Memories,’ Conan desperately wished a former lover out of his life, begging them to leave him alone and “stay in his memories.” With ‘Forever With Me,’ though, he holds tight to the recollections of their past – “I wonder why you’re still with me/Well, at least in all my memories.” He explores the feeling of cherishing even the pain and heartbreak of this past love because it reminds him of the real feelings he shared with his companion – “Still I think of all the bloodshed, somehow bittersweet/I’m even smiling now as I sing.” He regrets nothing about his heartbreak and holds it close to his heart – “I ain’t sorry/I wouldn’t change a thing/But it’ll take a lifetime to get better/I ain’t sorry/Though I should probably be/I think I’m gonna love you/You’re forever with me.” Indeed, his first love may well be “forever with him,” no matter how hurtful it was because of how special the feelings and memories he felt were.

The second ballad Conan included on the album is ‘Alley Rose,’ which he called a love song. It is a love song, but not in the way you would expect it to be. Conan writes about love in this song with a sense of desperation, as though he feels like he’s searching for it and trying to grasp onto it even when he has it. The drums and the build-up before the chorus really change the gentle, romantic vibes of the first verse – the music grows desperate as Conan begs, “Don’t leave me hangin’ alone again/oh where’d you go, go, alley rose?” Conan says he used ‘Alley Rose’ to play on ‘Abbey Road,’ where he walked alone in London after having ended his relationship with his lover. ‘Alley rose,’ though, is a beautiful metaphor for the type of love he describes in this song. A rose in an alleyway is something unexpected that one would chance upon. It’s something beautiful amongst something dingy, scary or confusing, mirroring how Conan finds this relationship after describing various difficult experiences with love in his previous songs. While it’s something serendipitous, the alley rose is also something fleeting. After all, this rose is in a dark alleyway – does it get enough sunlight to keep blooming and growing? When will it die? This aligns with Conan begging, “don’t leave me hangin’ alone again,” wishing for this love to not be fleeting like an alley rose without sunlight. 

Interestingly, Conan describes love as both scary and beautiful in this song. He sings, “I ran my fingers through your hair/And I thanked God to touch the flame,” and even explicitly mentions, “you told me I’m ‘just so nervous, dear,’/Well, how the hell do you think I feel?” He shows that he feels this love is something too bright and beautiful for him since he’s never experienced something this wonderful before, but he is still drawn to it. The rest of the painful lyrics on the bridge further show his fear and confusion with embracing love for the first time:

“I swore necks were made for bruising
I swore lips were made for lies
And I thought if you’d ever leave me
That I’d be the reason why” 

“I swore hands were made for fighting
I swore eyes were made to cry 
But you’re the first person that I’ve seen
Who’s proven that might be a lie.”

All this while, Conan’s idea of love has been that it is violent and hurtful. He does not believe he can be loved and feels shocked at feeling real, healthy love for the first time. Due to his past experiences, he’s still worried he will ruin the relationship – but as he confronts these new feelings, he begins to forget his old perception of love’s harshness and begins to embrace its beauty. Love itself is thus like an alley rose to Conan – amongst the darkness and pain of the alley that has made him feel like he can’t be loved, there’s an unexpected, beautiful new relationship that takes him by surprise. However, he’s still lost in this ‘alley’ – he can’t forget all his pain and worries even as he admires the rose, chasing after it and trying to hold on to it even as it’s right in front of him. He thus beautifully and emotionally conveys the feeling of dealing with a healthy love for the first time after a series of bad experiences, and the struggle of learning to let love grow on its own without chasing and running after it constantly. 

So far, Conan has explored love and heartbreak on this album with an unconventional sound, especially tapping into what being in love and being heartbroken for the first time feels like. Before he ends the album, though, he takes a different, incredibly personal turn with ‘Winner.’ Much as ‘Found Heaven’ was a bold opening to the album, ‘Winner’ is equally hard-hitting, written with a distinct sense of bitterness and anger. In ‘Found Heaven,’ Conan reluctantly “packs his bags” and leaves his family. In ‘Winner,’ he reminisces on leaving and realises that the environment he lived in was never accepting of him and constrained him – “The pots and pans and roaches/They’re glad I’m finally going/Cause even them, they shudder at your name.” He accepts here that he was never at fault – he was not the “demon” who started a “holy war” with his family. The people who hurt him did just that – they hurt him, they made him feel horrible. He shouts bitterly at them, “you’re the winner/take a bow, 'cause you’re the winner.” He almost seems to say, “Look what you did to me, are you happy? You made me feel like shit, and you won, so I left. Is this what you wanted?” As he finally accepts that these people hurt him, he begins to resent them, asking how they “have the nerve” to miss him after their horrible behaviour towards him. He spent all his time “trying to survive their chaos” – walking on eggshells, trying to survive, feeling constantly ridiculed by them. The choruses get increasingly louder throughout the song, and the word “winner” is accentuated with brassy, virtuosic sounds. It sounds almost as if Conan is sardonically and bitterly hosting a victory parade for the people who hurt him, saying, “you won at being the worst, well done.” He grows louder and almost yells the lyrics, “you’re the winner” towards the end, showing his anger toward his family who hurt him. The only way he could set himself free was to admit that they hurt him, to let their horrible nature ‘win’ by leaving them behind to protect his own peace. So, while they’re the “winner,” at least he’s “lost” people who were toxic to him. 

Overall, I thoroughly enjoy listening to this album over and over again. As I said, it’s all my favourite things about Conan’s music in one place, while also showcasing sounds and themes that he does not conventionally deal with in his music. I loved watching him grow as an artist and a person with this work, and it is probably my favourite thing he’s ever put out!